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A Guide For Expectant Fathers
©2002 Conscious Fathering Programs
MEN AND BABIES...they need each other.
In this guide you will find a primer for the road ahead of you. You will gain a better understanding of the basic needs of your new baby and how you can contribute your father-effect from the very first day of your child’s life.
Hopefully you will also learn that the only definition of fatherhood that really matters is…yours.
What you will not find in this guide is information that assumes you are neither equipped nor interested in learning what’s happening with your child’s early development.
You will not find analogies relating to playbooks, coach’s manuals or any reference that would imply you are not fully capable of grasping the reality of your impending fatherhood.
Our children are born and before we know it they are weeks old, and then months and one day you will be asked, “How old is your child?” As you start to respond “24 months” you realize that your days-old baby is now 2 years old.
Be there, be involved, be a partner and you won’t miss a minute.
The Key To Fatherhood Is Your Definition.
Fa·ther noun: A man who begets or raises or nurtures a child.
Excerpted from The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition Copyright © 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Above, you see a dictionary definition. It’s not that easy. Each man has his own individual definition based on many things - his own father, his image of what a father should do, how fathers are portrayed in society. The fact re-mains that right here … right now … you will begin to define your fatherhood.
We are on the brink of an enlightened time in our view of fathers. Research is beginning to show that our children need fathers as much as they need mothers, and that our involvement in their lives is an integral part of healthy development. The determining factor is how the individual man sees himself:
Will he stand behind the scenes and wait until his child is more user-friendly?
Will he do no more than is asked of him?
Will he embrace and immerse himself in his newfound fatherhood, striving to be a true partner in all aspects of his child’s development?
It is individual.
There's A Lot Of Catching Up To Do...
Rarely in the life of a man is he encouraged to care for and nurture another human being.
Any willing man can learn to care for his child.
Your baby will have basic needs that have to be met. Infants require what we call a cycle of care.
The cycle needs to be maintained on a 24-hour clock. Unlike new parents, your baby will probably have little regard for whether it is night or day.
Your baby's basic needs are:
- To be fed
- To burp
- To be comfortable
- To be rested
- To cry
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How you respond to these needs will determine whether or not your baby is given every opportunity to be happy and content. With your knowledge of baby’s basic needs and your awareness of their cycle of care, you will see a pattern, or schedule, develop. Memorize it!
Learning to care for your infant requires a basic mindset. Remember the Parenting C.P.R.? You must be willing to adopt it in order to condition your own responses to your child’s needs; it will become second nature and will help you with your definition throughout your child’s life.
The First Basic Need...To Be Fed.
Your newborn child will be on what they call an on-demand feeding schedule. They get hungry…they eat.
Pretty basic. Babies are perfect eating machines. They eat when they are hungry. They eat until they are full and when they are done, they’re done.
Typical newborns require a feeding every few hours. Your child is an individual, and so their feeding times will be what works for them. Remember, your infant will teach you their schedule. It’s up to you to maintain it.
Breastfeeding should not exclude you from participation. There are many ways you can be a part of this wonderful bonding time. Take turns getting up with baby for the nighttime feedings, you can take baby to
mom, care for baby’s needs and soothe baby back to sleep while mom gets some extra sleep. The trade off is the chance to spend some time together, just you and your baby. These are what we call “magic moments.”
Hold your baby while mom gets into a comfortable position. Burp your baby when she’s done feeding. Let her drift off to sleep with a full tummy, content in her daddy’s arms.
Don’t ever feel that you cannot find a way to be involved…if it’s part of your definition.
The Second Basic Need...To Burp.
Yes it’s true, and for all these years you thought it was just a recreational pursuit!
Breastfeeding infants have fewer problems with air in their tummies. They can control the flow of milk at the breast and so they suck with a slower rhythm that allows them to better coordinate breathing and swallowing. Yet, even breastfed babies need to be burped occasionally. Without the release of any trapped air, your baby may become fussy and uncomfortable.
Don't feel you have failed if you don't manage to bring up a burp after every feeding. Babies often don't need to burp with snack-type feedings. After a big meal, it's usually worth putting in some patient effort until baby burps. As babies get older and more proficient at feeding, burping becomes less of an issue.
Besides the pat on the back, effective burping requires two actions: holding baby in an upright position, and applying light pressure on baby's tummy. There are numerous ways that people find to encourage a burp from their baby. Any position that allows the baby’s own body weight to provide the pressure has a chance of working. Some of these techniques are over the shoulder, over the hand, over the lap. People get pretty creative in their search for the elusive burp.
The Third Basic Need...To Be Comfortable.
Here’s the fun part. Infants not only eat frequently, they need to have their diaper changed as often or even more often, than they eat. Regular and frequent diaper changing keeps them comfortable. It’s also an excellent time to spend interacting with your baby. You can hum, sing or talk to them during the changing.
Here are a few tips:
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Always have everything you need for the changing at arms’ reach.
- Never leave the baby unattended on a changing table.
- When cleaning the diaper area (always wipe “front to back” on your daughters) make sure you check all of the folds of skin that usually develop on a thriving newborn. Any residue left at the base of the fold could be a cause of irritation.
- Whenever you need to lift up baby’s lower half, remember to grasp both ankles so as not to put any strain on one hip joint or the other. It’s wise to clean your baby’s diaper area at every changing, even if it’s just a wet diaper. Urine may irritate the skin.
The best feedback on your diapering ability is your baby’s skin. When you remove the baby’s diaper be attentive to any red marks, signs of irritation or inflammation. An uncomfortably fitting diaper may lead to a fussy baby. If you’re really brave, let your baby “air out” for a few minutes. It’s good for their skin. A word to the wise, have a washcloth or cloth diaper handy when removing the diaper from your son. Many times when the fresh air hits the fire hose…it will go off! Be prepared.
The Fourth Basic Need...To Be Rested.
The typical birth to three-month-old child will sleep 12 to 20 hours per day. Some days it may seem all they are doing is eating, sleeping and getting their diaper changed.
It shouldn’t take long for the actively involved father to know when their baby needs some rest. Some of the most memorable moments of your time with baby can be when you soothe them to sleep.
Your infant’s naps are a perfect time for you or mom to catch up on a little shut eye also. Sleep deprivation can be one of the most challenging parts of new parenthood.
Understanding the fifth basic need…the need to cry.
All babies cry. It is your baby’s only form of communication.
How else are we to know when they need us? Or what that need may be? We do know that if we maintain their cycle of care, we may be able to immediately eliminate that they are crying because they are hungry, need to burp, are uncomfortable or tired.
Infants are born into a world that is big, bright and busy. They have come from an environment of comfortable confinement. It is easy for them to become over stimulated or frustrated.
Sometimes there is no reasonable explanation for their cries; they just need to blow off a little steam.
Consistently, predictably and reliably responding to your baby will letthem know you are there for them. As men we may be inclined to believe that we’re just no good at soothing our crying baby. Not true.
There is no secret to soothing a crying infant. It’s a process of elimination that may end in the realization that your child just needs you to hold them. Plain and simple. Handing a crying baby to mom will only build resentment. She may have no more of an idea why the baby is crying than you do. The best strategy may be to team up in your efforts to help baby get through a rough time.
The most important thing to know about handling your crying child is what will you do when you become frustrated? And you will become frustrated. All parents do. The only equal to the love we have for them is our ability to be frustrated in trying to figure out what it is they need.
You Must Have A Plan.
The most preventable form of child abuse is Shaken Baby Syndrome. The most common perpetrators are the biological fathers. It is one of the saddest facts I have ever learned about infants. If only these men had had a plan.
Shaking a baby can cause permanent harm resulting in severe learning and behavior problems, brain damage, blindness, spinal injuries and paralysis, seizures and ultimately…death. Shaking is typically brought on by the frustration of a parent or caregiver.
Never Shake A Baby.
Accept that there may be times where you need to take care of yourself, so you can take care of your baby. The most common signs of your frustration may be a general sense of being overheated. You may experience clamminess on your forehead or the back of your neck, possibly even clenched teeth. This is your cue to enact your plan. Do not hesitate, split seconds count.
One suggestion is to gently lay your baby down on their back in a safe place. Take a break, calm down, and be proud that you knew what to do. Now is not the time to be a big, tough man and “Hang in there”. Now is the time to be a gentle, loving parent. Remind yourself that you are a loving, capable father and at this moment you are doing what is best for your baby.
Having a plan to deal with your inevitable frustration is what all good parents do. Having a plan should be part of your definition of fatherhood and having that plan could possibly save your baby’s life.
Be a father; make sure that all of your child’s caregivers have their plan.
There Is Another Basic Need...You.
Remember that the theories of child development and techniques for parenting are always changing. Few remain constant over the years. Through the ages and stages of a child’s life parents provide the foundation upon which all learning is based.
It’s not always about “how much” time you spend with your child; it is always about “how” you spend it. Enjoy and embrace each day you spend as the father of your child.
“The hardest thing we will ever do is parent. Funny that it will also be
the single most important.”
Bernie Dorsey
The Conscious Fathering Program is available at:
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Auburn Regional Medical Center
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253-333-2522
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Highline Community Hospital
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206-439-5576
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Swedish Medical Center –
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Ballard Campus: 206-781-6055
First Hill Campus: 206-386-3606
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Multicare’s Tacoma General Hospital
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1-800-TGBIRTH
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For information on the Conscious Fathering Program, call
206-233-0156, or email bdorsey@parenttrust.org
This information was brought in partnership with:
Call The
Family Help Line
1-800-932-HOPE
Call
the Children's Resource Line Nurse
Consultation
(206)526-2500
1-877-526-2500 Toll
Free
1-800-833-6388 TTY
24 hours a day/seven days a
week
WCPCAN Children's Trust Fund
of Washington
(206) 464-6151
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