Labor Support

Part 4: Concerns You May Have

Some pregnant women are nervous about having people at their birth for various reasons. Here are some responses, based on my conversations with women who have given birth, and friends and family who were in attendance.

Concern: Modesty
"I'm not comfortable with my friends seeing me naked."

During labor, most mothers forget about this concern: they are so focused on the labor and birth that modesty seems less important to them. Support people who are truly being supportive will also be focused on the birth process, and generally don't put much thought into your clothing, or lack thereof, or exactly what your body looks like.

Concern: Body Image and/or Self Image
"Will my friend like me less if she realizes I'm fat?" "What if I'm out of control, or a wimp...will he think less of me?"

Birth is an intense and intimate experience. Your friends and family will see more of you (in many senses) than they see in normal interaction. They will see some of your weaknesses, but they also see your strengths. Sharing a life-changing experience will change your relationship...but typically, it's a change for the better: a deeper, stronger, richer relationship.

Concern: Privacy
"I want this to be an intimate experience, with just my partner and me."

If you are giving birth in a hospital, the experience will not be private, as staff may come in and out of the room on a regular basis. Having a trusted and supportive friend there with you can actually help serve as a buffer between the birthing couple and the support staff, sometimes in the abstract sense of being a familiar face in a room full of strangers.

Sometimes, if the couple needs some time alone, the extra support person can stand outside the hospital room, and let others know that.

Concern: Politeness / Etiquette
"I'm afraid I'll say something offensive."

Sometimes during labor, social inhibitions slip about what is "acceptable" to say out loud, and what is not. If you are concerned about this with a particular support person, just apologize in advance: "If I say something offensive during labor, I apologize. But it's an intense experience, and I'm not sure how it will be until we get there."

Concern: Non-Helpful Helpers
"What if he flips out, and I end up feeling like I need to take care of him?"

• Prior to the birth, if friends or family ask to attend the birth that you do not think would be helpful to you, it is O.K. to tell them they can't come. Try to think of other things they can do to be helpful.
  
  
• Prior to the birth, let support people know what you think will be helpful to you during labor. Also, let them know that you are not certain what your needs will be, and that there is a chance you will ask them to leave. Reassure them that this won't be out of anger, but simply out of trying to figure out what your needs are during this unique experience.
  
  
• During the birth, if someone is doing things that bother you, or if you feel like you can't focus on the birth because you need to take care of this other person, then you can first ask them to change what they are doing, and if that doesn't help, then you may ask them to leave. If you don't feel comfortable asking your friend or family member to leave, quietly ask a nurse or caregiver for help: they will find a gentle way to send them away.

---

For more information on labor support, read Mothering the Mother by Klaus and Kennell, or The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. For more about women’s experiences with labor supporters, see www.maternitywise.org